Over the past few months I have started dreaming about my future marriage again. I used to think about it all the time...what he'll be like, how he'll make me feel, what our life together will encompass. I would pray for my future husband often...asking God to keep Him safe, encourage him in his walk, and let him know how much I love him. There was one particularly sweet time in January of 2006...I asked God to tell my husband I loved him...and later that same day, I heard God speak to me with utter clarity: "He says he loves you too, Halley." I had an incredible peace and certainty that God had in fact delivered my message, my husband had received it, and he had asked God to give me that specific message in return. I write my husband letters from time to time and plan to give them to him someday when we're together. But until recently I haven't thought about him a whole lot...sometimes it is easier to fain neutrality than it is to burn with desire.
Being neutral hurts less...there's fewer opportunities for the world to crush my dreams and tell me I'm idealistic and old-fashioned, and there will be less pain if it turns out marriage is not part of God's plan for me. But the thing is, I'm not neutral about marriage. I'm not indifferent at all. I am romantic, and idealistic, and old-fashioned, and I do believe God is preparing a mate for me, and my heart has no deeper yearning than to be a wife and a mother. Being a dreamer is one of the most ingrained parts of my nature. Gilbert Blythe once said to Anne Shirley, "Have you any unfulfilled dreams, Anne?" She replied, "Of course. We would be as good as dead if we had nothing left to dream about." So I'm going to set myself loose to freely dream about my husband once more...
My husband is an incredible man of God. He's steadfast, noble, devoted, humble, patient, and kind. He belongs to Jesus Christ and desires to continually know & serve him. His heart overflows with love for Jesus, his first love, and he is crazy madly in love with me, his second love. Integrity, excellence, and justice mark his words and deeds. He has a servant's heart and consistently thinks of others before himself. His heart breaks for what breaks Jesus' heart and has no greater longing than to glorify and serve the Lord. He yearns to be the hands and feet of Christ to this aching world, and pours out love and hope and peace on every soul he encounters. He is intentional about cultivating his relationship with Christ and makes time to pray and be in the Word frequently. He longs to know Him, seeks to serve Him, and loves to love Him. He revels in his adoption as a son, crying "Abba, Father!" and running to the Cross with tears of joy. Knowing he has been completely justified and made new by the blood of Christ, he lives life to the fullest for God's glory, singing praises to His name that He made Him who had no sin to be sin for us. My darling and I never cease to be amazed by how wide, how long, how high, and how deep is the love of Christ.
He is a strong but meek spiritual leader, gently guiding us into deeper communion with Christ and inviting me to follow. He deeply understands the Biblical roles of a husband and wife and makes it easy for me to respect him and submit to him in a way that is freeing. It is never about the man ruling over his wife or the woman being subdued, as the world corrupts and interprets what the Bible teaches about marriage. I believe nothing could be further from the truth. There is no place for a ruler and a minion in a Christian marriage; such roles are incredibly destructive for each spouse and not what my husband and I desire at all. We desire to see each other lifted up. Just as Jesus came not to be served but to serve, so my husband comes to me in our marriage. He loves, honors, and adores me, and therefore it's natural and a great delight to follow where he leads. Regarding gender roles, my husband shares the balanced perspective that I embrace. He neither expects me to sit at home all the time nor does he expect me to leave my nursing babies to go back to work. He thinks it's awesome I long to be home with my children as much as possible (pretty much exclusively during their first several years of life, definitely as long as they are nursing), but he also understands it's important for me to have a sphere of influence in the community, secondary to our marriage and family. He loves it when I get all gussied up for him, which I love doing and will do often, but he understands that girls like their sweatpants too. He's the sort of man who doesn't expect me to always cook dinner just because I'm a woman. He's willing to whip up a yummy meal, just as I'm willing to rake the yard. We do things together, because we just love being together.
He can always make me laugh and put a smile on my face. He is still a child at heart...he loves to be playful and mischievous, and has no short supply of silliness. Although he is certainly mature, he understands how precious it is to still be able to view the world through a child's eyes. He loves my child-likeness. He thinks it's adorable that baseball games make me cry and football games make me lose my voice from cheering so loud. He loves to splash in puddles with me and run through sprinklers. He loves a rousing round of cards or Taboo or Capture the Flag, and he plays Charades like a pro with all the Watsons at Christmas. And he likes roller-coasters, of course. My beloved is a lifelong student. He is fascinated by a variety of topics and he makes an effort to learn about the things that intrigue him. He is highly curious, intelligent, deep-thinking, and open-minded. He searches for opportunities to grow personally, emotionally, academically, and spiritually. He believes in challenging his convictions, being open to alternative possibilities, and learning/trying new things -- all the while holding firmly to the unwavering Truth of the Gospel. He is a friend who loves at all times, believes God's mercies are new every morning, and knows that mercy triumphs over judgment. He seeks to understand rather than be understood, a commitment I make as well. He's the sort of man who doesn't equate sensitivity with weakness, and he is refreshingly real. He isn't too proud to cry. I will cherish the moments we can wipe away each others tears.
As my old youth pastor used to say, a man of God should be "dangerous in a good way." A warrior for his woman and her Braveheart through and through. My husband is such a man. His heart is rugged, wild, fierce, and free. He will pursue me to the ends of the Earth and fight for me always. Have you ever seen the movie King Kong? There is an awesome scene during the film when Anne finds herself in the middle of 3 T-Rexs! Completely at their mercy, she is doomed. Until King Kong comes bounding through the trees and beats the snot out of all 3 of them! Here is the best clip I could find on YouTube, when he takes out the last one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Tt9P2qWfWgUnfortunately the video ends before you get to see him snap the dinosaur's neck -- it's so awesome! I could watch that scene over and over again. I realize it's about a huge gorilla, but that huge gorilla embodies the heart of my husband. He risks his life for Anne, his beloved. He takes on her demons and marches into battle for her. King Kong protects Anne from physical harm, but my man shields me from emotional harm and spiritual attack as well. When I fall down, he's there to pick me up. When the world betrays me, he's there to make things better. If physical danger were ever to befall me, he willingly will take the punch so I don't have to. Of course only the Lord can be my Ultimate Warrior; only Christ can take on all my burdens, only the Spirit can fully heal the wounds of my heart. In no way do I expect my husband to entirely fulfill, shield, or heal me. I know full well that only the Messiah can do those things, and I'd never dream of placing that responsibility on human shoulders. Likewise I cannot take on that responsibility for my husband; we each must go first to the foot of the Cross. However, in an earthly but still wonderful way, he is there for me and he does fight for me. I have someone in my corner. And he loves fighting for me, and I love being fought for.
My darling is a hopeless romantic. He is a gentleman to a fault, always opening the door for me and offering me his coat when I'm cold. He wants to stay awake just to watch me sleep. He surprises me with flowers and candlelit bubble baths and weekend getaways. And I surprise him with his favorite meals, long massages, and no shortage of sexy lingerie. He knows his way around the dance floor. He'll stay up with me til 3AM just because he can't wait to hear the next thing I say. He takes care of me when I'm physically sick or emotionally distraught, and I do the same for him. He frequently tells me I'm beautiful, and he sees my beauty from the inside out. Many have told me I'm beautiful on the outside, but my darling thinks my heart is the most beautiful part of me. He delights to knows my quirks and unearth the depths of my soul. Just as I desire to be known, I want to know the depths of his soul as well. He entrusts his heart to me as I entrust mine to him, and we relish in the freedom to be vulnerable with each other without fearing abandonment. He kisses my neck and my forehead and wraps his arms around me. He writes love songs and/or love letters, and loves receiving the same from me. I catch him staring at me from across the room even after years of marriage, and the sight of him always makes me weak in the knees. My man's primary love language is physical touch like mine. He loves being touched and snuggled and caressed and massaged. He gives really good hugs and is a passionate kisser. He's affectionate in public. He loves to cuddle and wants to hold me and be held all night long. He longs to be showered with physical affection at every opportunity and wants to have a very active sex life. My husband longs to surrender his body to me as I long to surrender my body to him. I plan to entrust my sexuality to my beloved and want him to entrust his to me. I believe sex is one of God's greatest gifts and that we ought to enjoy it to the fullest. To my mind, this means being all over each other all the time! I desire a sensual and erotic marriage, that's both about making love and the raw physical pleasure. I'll tell you this: on our wedding day, we'll be running to the honeymoon suite as fast as possible.
My husband is an all-around awesome daddy and family man. He loves my sisters as his own, and his the big brother they've never had. He likes talking sports or business with my daddy, and he is the thoughtful sweetheart of a son-in-law my mother can't wait to have. He's committed to knowing and loving the important people in my life, as I am committed to knowing and loving his family and friends. We make it a priority to share our love and time with the Watsons and his family as equally as we can regarding holidays and reunions. My man loves babies and kids, and couldn't dream of not having a family. He's excited about playing peek-a-boo, hearing "Dada" for the first time, throwing around the football, and attending ballet recitals. He rejects the notion that being a tender father makes him weak. To the contrary, he sees it as a joy and a responsibility to swaddle (and wear) a crying baby, kiss boo-boos on scraped knees, and wipe away tears and make things right in his children's magical world again. My darling and I are committed to raising our little ones in a strong and affectionate Christian home, in which our kids grow up praying, reading the Word, and trusting in their Savior, as they watch their parents lead by example. Having not grown up in a Christian home myself, I have a rather vague picture of what this will look like. Even so, my desire to teach my children the powerful healing love of God from the youngest age is unmovable, and I trust that desire along with His grace will more than triumph my lack of personal exposure to the in-and-outs of a believing home. My husband and I support and practice attachment parenting: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, and absolutely breastfeeding, among other things. While we have compatible ideals regarding parenting, more significant is our willingness to compromise with one another.
My guy believes in redemptive discipline over punishment, in dealing with his earthly children the same way our Heavenly Father deals with His children. We teach our children that they are to be obedient and respectful, but we always draw them back into our arms of love when they fall short. After all conditional love is not love at all. My husband and I believe that children are blessings from the Lord and deserving of respect and humanity from the moment they are born. Our children (I'd love 4 or 5, or more or less depending on the Lord's will) mean the world to us. That being said, my man and I agree that the greatest gift we can give our children is a stable home and parents who are in a loving covenant marriage. My grandfather told my father on his wedding day, "You know the best thing you can do for your children? Love their mother." I believe in the wisdom of my grandfather's words, and I am committed to putting my husband first, loving my children's father to subsequently love my children well.
We believe in celebrating God's glorious design for reproduction and the human body: living in harmony with fertility instead of fighting it, embracing pregnancy as one of the most blessed and beautiful seasons of life, approaching childbirth as a normal and glorious occurrence instead of as a medical event, and nurturing our children on mother's milk for as long as is mutually acceptable for motherbaby. In keeping with these beliefs, my man is supportive of my decision to reject artificial birth control methods. Because he loves and honors my body, he honors my cycles as well and is willing to participate in Fertility Awareness/Natural Family Planning. Ardently celebrating the uniqueness and complexities of masculinity and femininity, my husband is delighted to walk with me through my pregnancies, captivated by the beauty of my pregnant form, and excited to watch me transform from maiden to mother. He not only understands my passion for woman-honoring birth and midwifery, but is passionate about it himself. He eagerly looks forward to welcoming our babies into our own home, perhaps on the same bed we'll make 'em on. He realizes that circumcision of baby boys is medically unnecessary and damaging, and that because of our new covenant in Christ, there is no religious need for circumcision either. He understands breastfeeding is the only truly healthy way to nourish our babies, and he's proud of me for nursing wherever I please.
In addition to honoring God's design for fertility, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding, my husband and I are committed to nurturing the whole of God's design for the human body. We pay attention to nutrition and exercise, for our bodies are temples and not our own. We seek the counsel of wise friends or professionals when our emotional health warrants it. We celebrate our sexuality and raise our children to think their bodies are beautiful instead of shameful. My own mother always used the real anatomical terms for our body parts and when we asked her where babies came from, she gave us honest, age-appropriate information. She nursed my younger sisters in my presence all the time. I desire to follow my mother's sensible example in raising my own kids, and my husband is on board.
As if he could get any more amazing, he firmly supports my calling as a midwife, and is graciously flexible regarding my crazy on-call life. The only thing I yearn to do more than be a midwife is be a wife and a mother, and therefore, my work as a wise woman will come second. When I consider missing my 3-yr-old's birthday party and the nights of interrupted lovemaking, it makes me ache inside. And still, the calling to midwifery overflows in my heart. My husband -- if this man I long for is real -- sympathizes with my conflict of heart, and helps me live as God calls me to live, as I encourage him to chase the dreams God made part of him as well. At the end of the day, we will still be together, committed for all time, two who became one.
My husband. I long for him immensely and love him with all I am. He is so good, much beyond what I can dream up I'm sure. He's my best friend. The deepest desire of my heart & a dream I will keep on dreaming. I can't wait to be in his arms.
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