God is in the Midst of Her...

"…To Isaiah, the voice said, “Go,” and for each of us there are many voices that say it, but the question is which one will we obey with our lives, which of the voices that call is to be the one that we answer.  No one can say, of course, except each for himself, but I believe that it is possible to say at least this in general to all of us:  we should go with our lives where we most need to go and where we are most needed.

Where we most need to go.  Maybe that means that the voice we should listen to most as we choose a vocation is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, and that is the voice of our own gladness.  What can we do that makes us gladdest, what can we do that leaves us with the strongest sense of sailing true north and of peace, which is much of what gladness is?  Is it making things with our hands our of wood or stone or paint on canvas?  Or is it making something we hope like truth out of words?  Or is it making people laugh or weep in a way that cleanses their spirits?  I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing and it is the calling voice that we were made to answer with our lives.

And also, where we are most needed.  In a world where there is so much drudgery, so much grief, so much emptiness and fear and pain, our gladness in our work is as much needed as we ourselves need to be glad.  If we keep our eyes and ears open, our hearts open, we will find the place surely.  The phone will ring and we will jump not so much out of our skin as into our skin.  If we keep our lives open, the right place will find us."

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with marrying the notions that I should be happy and have the delights of my heart, and that I should simultaneously be open to God's voice and faithfully follow wherever He may lead.  Because a "good Christian" always obeys the Lord no matter what.  At times this inner conflict has caused me to conclude that in order to be an obedient daughter of the King, I have to sacrifice my own pleasure.  That if I really, really REALLY want and desire and hope for something, then it couldn't possibly be what GOD wants for me.  Because if I was overcome with happiness, I would have no reason to put my trust in the Lord.  Does my twisted thinking make sense to you? 

I genuinely do want to cultivate obedience in my life -- to the Lord, to my authorities.  I want to be humble and gentle and pure of heart.  But I also want to be wild and free and unrestrained!  And so for the longest time, I have felt guilty when I "give in" to my God-given wildness and passion, and conversely, I have felt bored when I "obey God" by doing something that doesn't light a fire in my heart.  It is a constant struggle.  Rationally, I do know that my logic is skewed -- I do realize that I am supposed to be JOYFUL in obedience, and also OBEDIENT to joy.  I know it's possible and that God wants me to have the desires of my heart.  I suppose what it all boils down to is me doubting that God's love for me is really THAT big!  Surely something that is this much fun and is this fulfilling and this fine-tuned to my heart and my motivations...surely this couldn't be God's plan for me, right?  Isn't this TOO good to be true?

Thus you can imagine my tears of delight in reading Buechner's words yesterday morning.  As I said in my last post, to READ what I most need to hear is especially powerful for me...somehow it is more tangible, more real.  "What can we do that makes us GLADDEST, what can we do that leaves us with a strong sense of sailing true north and of PEACE, which is MUCH of what gladness is?"  You know, thinking back over my Christian life, I see that the times I felt most aligned with the Lord were the times I was at complete and utter peace -- when I knew I had to break up with Kyle, when I went to the Dominican Republic, when I decided to work at SharpTop last summer...and now, when I know I am called to be a midwife.  Now, when I know I am called to defend midwifery at all costs.  Now, when I know I am called to GO -- just as the voice said to Isaiah, now it says to me, "Go..." -- "Go, Halley, go to the Philippines.  No, you're not strong enough, that's true.  Go, Halley, go back to the Capitol.  No, you don't have the self-confidence, that's true as well.  But here's the thing -- you won't be needing your own strength or confidence in yourself.  You need only strength in ME, you require God-confidence, trust in MY ability, and nothing else.  Do not be afraid, for I will be with you wherever you go." 

How nice to think that it is PEACE and not BRAVERY that is much of what gladness is.  Because I do feel at peace.  In fact I feel so much at peace that I am intentionally making myself restless in an effort to appease my fear and just stay home.  I am peaceful.  I am glad.  But I'm scared.  Lord Jesus, give me the courage that everyone else thinks I possess.  Help my unbelief in what You can accomplish through me.  Remind me, every hour, that I serve a big, BIG God who has engraved my name on His Hands and will not let me fall.  Help me listen to the voices of gladness and of peace, and help me resist the voice of fear, as I cast all my anxieties on You, who cares for me.

"Go forth as God's servant.  Remember God's presence often and draw strength from the knowledge that the One who calls and sends also sustains.  Amen."  ~ Rueben Job