God is in the Midst of Her...

I'm starting a real job on Monday. And I'm going to be lobbying for midwifery all the time. Holy $%&#. I'm scared. I keep playing "what if's" over and over in my head...what if something happens to my patient and I don't know what to do? What if all the doctors and other nurses think I'm stupid? What if I screw everything up at the Capitol? What if I kill someone?! ...As you can tell, these "what if's" can easily get out of control.

But you know, as much as I hate to admit it, the part that scares me the most has nothing to do with nursing or midwifery. It's not even related to code blues or legislative scheaming. The part that scares me most is that I feel like I've got no one in my corner as I make this life transition. Now I know I have my family and many, many wonderful friends who love and support me. But I want someone to take me under their wing and hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be okay. My mom was really good at that when I started kindergarten, and high school, and even college, but I'm not a little girl anymore, and we don't live in the same city, and I'm just feeling like, as amazing as my mom is, I can't rely on her to be "my person" anymore.

So, of course, the natural course of these uneasy feelings leads me to start thinking that I need a boyfriend. Not just that I WANT one (which is true and I'm totally cool with), but feeling like I actually NEED on (which I don't think is true and makes me frustrated to think about). I want someone around who actually wants to hear about the details of my day-to-day life. I want to know there's someone praying for me for the little things that seem too trivial to ask other people to pray for. I want someone around who will let me cry and hold me and makes things better when they go wrong.

So I tell myself that God is my Romancer, God is the Lover of my Soul, but, true as it may be (Isaiah, "God is your Husband"), such affirmations don't help me at all. My roommate and I had a healthy Facebook chat about this, and she freed me from what I thought was an obligation to think this way, that God fulfills my desire for belonging and romance. She reminded me that it's OK that this affirmation no longer helps the way it did when I was 16, and suggested that instead of struggling to think of God in this role (and consequently feeling like a "bad Christian" for not being able to), I ought to find a new context for the Lord's faithfulness and goodness. Shepherd. Refuge. Counselor. Shield. This helps me.

I know if I needed a mate at this time I would have one. I understand. I must be stronger than I think I am. God the Shepherd will bring me home when I can't find my way. The Lord my Refuge will let me hide and cry and be safe. Jesus the Counselor will whisper wisdom into my life and teach me how I am to function here and now. Christ the Shield will protect me from the onslaught of the enemy and protect me from hands too strong for me. But I'm going to keep looking for a wing. I think this is okay.

"We endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the Gospel of Christ." ~ 1 Corinthians 9:12

Jesus, help me remember to hope not in my will, but in Yours. You do not withhold any good thing from Your children, but simultaneously You inform us that we will suffer for Christ and for Your glory. Not to punish us or humiliate us, but to make us the best image of ourselves: more like You. Help me to remember to set aside my worries (most of them trivial) about the future, the stress, and the unknowns, and help me to more willingly say, "Here I am, Lord! Send me!"

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's Love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ~ Romans 5:5

I feel like the world like to tell people that hope is foolish and whimsical and childish. But You know better, Jesus. True hope -- hope in You -- cannot be extinguished. Because it's real. Because it can be backed up. The Holy Spirit has been given to me and all who believe. I've been drenched in the love of Christ. And thus all HOPE is not lost. My heart can continue to dream and flourish, delighting itself in the treasures and challenges that may lie ahead from my King.

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." ~ Luke 2:19

I love this simple verse. I imagine Mary is just a few hours postpartum (and probably a little ticked off that she's had to entertain shepherds when she's exhausted). This is one of the grandest scenes recorded in the Bible -- the birth of Christ! The time is monumental and everyone is talking about it. But Mary is quiet. She has been incredibly faithful, in the face of losing her husband and her reputation, maybe even her life, and now that the angel's promise has been fulfilled, she can ponder. It feels good to know that Mary was a ponderer. Because I am a ponderer. This verse tells me that God made women ponderers on purpose, and that I can be comfortable in this part of my design.

"What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops." ~ Matthew 10:27

This verse makes me want to be a missionary.

"God is waiting to be put to the test by His people in prayer. He delights in being put to the test on His promises. It is His highest pleasure to answer prayer, to prove the reliability of His promises." ~ E.M. Bounds

A feel-good quote I have written in my Bible. A good reminder. So often I fret about things, the large, but more often the (eternally) small. I could be praying about all those things instead of worrying about them, allowing my Lord His highest pleasure...making His promises come true. I'm reminded of another quote by Luther: "Pray, and let God worry."

A Change of Heart, A Change of Attitude: Instead of saying "Wow, this is really difficult so God must not want me here," say "Wow! This must be really important, because look how much Satan is doing to stop me."

This is EXACTLY what I need to tell myself every day (really every hour) when I FREAK OUT about becoming a nurse and a lobbyist at the same time and not knowing how to do either job well! But that is also how I know God wants me exactly where I am -- He uses the weak to lead the strong, and the foolish to shame the wise (1 Cor 1).

"By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." ~ Psalm 42:8

A lyrical reminder of His everlasting presence.

"Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say 'Here I am.'" ~ Isaiah 58:9

I should tatoo this on my palm. Seriously -- I need to know this always. Isn't His goodness, gentleness, and steadfastness unbelievable? Who else can be so constant but our God?

"I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, 'Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.' Then my spirit made a diligent search: "Will the Lord spurn forever and never again be favorable? Has His steadfast love forever ceased? Are His promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has He in anger shut up His compassion?' Then I said, 'I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.' I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your wonders of old." ~ Psalm 77:5-11

I will remember the deeds of the Lord. I will remember when He transformed my relationship with my mother, as He continues to do daily. I will remember when He saved me from my unhealthy relationship with my ex-boyfriend...the saving was excruciatingly painful, but it was necessary and I am better for it. I will remember when He revealed to me my calling to midwifery, after years of not knowing who I was to become. I will remember now that He is faithful when I am faithless. That His mercies are new every morning. That nothing is impossible for God. That if the King of the Heavens is with me, who can be against me? That when my circumstances feel more unsure and wobbly than ever, it is His righteous right hand that upholds me. He makes me remember my song in the night.

An Excerpt from The Hungering Dark by Frederick Buechner...

"…To Isaiah, the voice said, “Go,” and for each of us there are many voices that say it, but the question is which one will we obey with our lives, which of the voices that call is to be the one that we answer.  No one can say, of course, except each for himself, but I believe that it is possible to say at least this in general to all of us:  we should go with our lives where we most need to go and where we are most needed.

Where we most need to go.  Maybe that means that the voice we should listen to most as we choose a vocation is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, and that is the voice of our own gladness.  What can we do that makes us gladdest, what can we do that leaves us with the strongest sense of sailing true north and of peace, which is much of what gladness is?  Is it making things with our hands our of wood or stone or paint on canvas?  Or is it making something we hope like truth out of words?  Or is it making people laugh or weep in a way that cleanses their spirits?  I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing and it is the calling voice that we were made to answer with our lives.

And also, where we are most needed.  In a world where there is so much drudgery, so much grief, so much emptiness and fear and pain, our gladness in our work is as much needed as we ourselves need to be glad.  If we keep our eyes and ears open, our hearts open, we will find the place surely.  The phone will ring and we will jump not so much out of our skin as into our skin.  If we keep our lives open, the right place will find us."

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with marrying the notions that I should be happy and have the delights of my heart, and that I should simultaneously be open to God's voice and faithfully follow wherever He may lead.  Because a "good Christian" always obeys the Lord no matter what.  At times this inner conflict has caused me to conclude that in order to be an obedient daughter of the King, I have to sacrifice my own pleasure.  That if I really, really REALLY want and desire and hope for something, then it couldn't possibly be what GOD wants for me.  Because if I was overcome with happiness, I would have no reason to put my trust in the Lord.  Does my twisted thinking make sense to you? 

I genuinely do want to cultivate obedience in my life -- to the Lord, to my authorities.  I want to be humble and gentle and pure of heart.  But I also want to be wild and free and unrestrained!  And so for the longest time, I have felt guilty when I "give in" to my God-given wildness and passion, and conversely, I have felt bored when I "obey God" by doing something that doesn't light a fire in my heart.  It is a constant struggle.  Rationally, I do know that my logic is skewed -- I do realize that I am supposed to be JOYFUL in obedience, and also OBEDIENT to joy.  I know it's possible and that God wants me to have the desires of my heart.  I suppose what it all boils down to is me doubting that God's love for me is really THAT big!  Surely something that is this much fun and is this fulfilling and this fine-tuned to my heart and my motivations...surely this couldn't be God's plan for me, right?  Isn't this TOO good to be true?

Thus you can imagine my tears of delight in reading Buechner's words yesterday morning.  As I said in my last post, to READ what I most need to hear is especially powerful for me...somehow it is more tangible, more real.  "What can we do that makes us GLADDEST, what can we do that leaves us with a strong sense of sailing true north and of PEACE, which is MUCH of what gladness is?"  You know, thinking back over my Christian life, I see that the times I felt most aligned with the Lord were the times I was at complete and utter peace -- when I knew I had to break up with Kyle, when I went to the Dominican Republic, when I decided to work at SharpTop last summer...and now, when I know I am called to be a midwife.  Now, when I know I am called to defend midwifery at all costs.  Now, when I know I am called to GO -- just as the voice said to Isaiah, now it says to me, "Go..." -- "Go, Halley, go to the Philippines.  No, you're not strong enough, that's true.  Go, Halley, go back to the Capitol.  No, you don't have the self-confidence, that's true as well.  But here's the thing -- you won't be needing your own strength or confidence in yourself.  You need only strength in ME, you require God-confidence, trust in MY ability, and nothing else.  Do not be afraid, for I will be with you wherever you go." 

How nice to think that it is PEACE and not BRAVERY that is much of what gladness is.  Because I do feel at peace.  In fact I feel so much at peace that I am intentionally making myself restless in an effort to appease my fear and just stay home.  I am peaceful.  I am glad.  But I'm scared.  Lord Jesus, give me the courage that everyone else thinks I possess.  Help my unbelief in what You can accomplish through me.  Remind me, every hour, that I serve a big, BIG God who has engraved my name on His Hands and will not let me fall.  Help me listen to the voices of gladness and of peace, and help me resist the voice of fear, as I cast all my anxieties on You, who cares for me.

"Go forth as God's servant.  Remember God's presence often and draw strength from the knowledge that the One who calls and sends also sustains.  Amen."  ~ Rueben Job