God is in the Midst of Her...

I'm starting a real job on Monday. And I'm going to be lobbying for midwifery all the time. Holy $%&#. I'm scared. I keep playing "what if's" over and over in my head...what if something happens to my patient and I don't know what to do? What if all the doctors and other nurses think I'm stupid? What if I screw everything up at the Capitol? What if I kill someone?! ...As you can tell, these "what if's" can easily get out of control.

But you know, as much as I hate to admit it, the part that scares me the most has nothing to do with nursing or midwifery. It's not even related to code blues or legislative scheaming. The part that scares me most is that I feel like I've got no one in my corner as I make this life transition. Now I know I have my family and many, many wonderful friends who love and support me. But I want someone to take me under their wing and hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be okay. My mom was really good at that when I started kindergarten, and high school, and even college, but I'm not a little girl anymore, and we don't live in the same city, and I'm just feeling like, as amazing as my mom is, I can't rely on her to be "my person" anymore.

So, of course, the natural course of these uneasy feelings leads me to start thinking that I need a boyfriend. Not just that I WANT one (which is true and I'm totally cool with), but feeling like I actually NEED on (which I don't think is true and makes me frustrated to think about). I want someone around who actually wants to hear about the details of my day-to-day life. I want to know there's someone praying for me for the little things that seem too trivial to ask other people to pray for. I want someone around who will let me cry and hold me and makes things better when they go wrong.

So I tell myself that God is my Romancer, God is the Lover of my Soul, but, true as it may be (Isaiah, "God is your Husband"), such affirmations don't help me at all. My roommate and I had a healthy Facebook chat about this, and she freed me from what I thought was an obligation to think this way, that God fulfills my desire for belonging and romance. She reminded me that it's OK that this affirmation no longer helps the way it did when I was 16, and suggested that instead of struggling to think of God in this role (and consequently feeling like a "bad Christian" for not being able to), I ought to find a new context for the Lord's faithfulness and goodness. Shepherd. Refuge. Counselor. Shield. This helps me.

I know if I needed a mate at this time I would have one. I understand. I must be stronger than I think I am. God the Shepherd will bring me home when I can't find my way. The Lord my Refuge will let me hide and cry and be safe. Jesus the Counselor will whisper wisdom into my life and teach me how I am to function here and now. Christ the Shield will protect me from the onslaught of the enemy and protect me from hands too strong for me. But I'm going to keep looking for a wing. I think this is okay.

"We endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the Gospel of Christ." ~ 1 Corinthians 9:12

Jesus, help me remember to hope not in my will, but in Yours. You do not withhold any good thing from Your children, but simultaneously You inform us that we will suffer for Christ and for Your glory. Not to punish us or humiliate us, but to make us the best image of ourselves: more like You. Help me to remember to set aside my worries (most of them trivial) about the future, the stress, and the unknowns, and help me to more willingly say, "Here I am, Lord! Send me!"

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's Love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ~ Romans 5:5

I feel like the world like to tell people that hope is foolish and whimsical and childish. But You know better, Jesus. True hope -- hope in You -- cannot be extinguished. Because it's real. Because it can be backed up. The Holy Spirit has been given to me and all who believe. I've been drenched in the love of Christ. And thus all HOPE is not lost. My heart can continue to dream and flourish, delighting itself in the treasures and challenges that may lie ahead from my King.

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." ~ Luke 2:19

I love this simple verse. I imagine Mary is just a few hours postpartum (and probably a little ticked off that she's had to entertain shepherds when she's exhausted). This is one of the grandest scenes recorded in the Bible -- the birth of Christ! The time is monumental and everyone is talking about it. But Mary is quiet. She has been incredibly faithful, in the face of losing her husband and her reputation, maybe even her life, and now that the angel's promise has been fulfilled, she can ponder. It feels good to know that Mary was a ponderer. Because I am a ponderer. This verse tells me that God made women ponderers on purpose, and that I can be comfortable in this part of my design.

"What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops." ~ Matthew 10:27

This verse makes me want to be a missionary.

"God is waiting to be put to the test by His people in prayer. He delights in being put to the test on His promises. It is His highest pleasure to answer prayer, to prove the reliability of His promises." ~ E.M. Bounds

A feel-good quote I have written in my Bible. A good reminder. So often I fret about things, the large, but more often the (eternally) small. I could be praying about all those things instead of worrying about them, allowing my Lord His highest pleasure...making His promises come true. I'm reminded of another quote by Luther: "Pray, and let God worry."

A Change of Heart, A Change of Attitude: Instead of saying "Wow, this is really difficult so God must not want me here," say "Wow! This must be really important, because look how much Satan is doing to stop me."

This is EXACTLY what I need to tell myself every day (really every hour) when I FREAK OUT about becoming a nurse and a lobbyist at the same time and not knowing how to do either job well! But that is also how I know God wants me exactly where I am -- He uses the weak to lead the strong, and the foolish to shame the wise (1 Cor 1).

"By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." ~ Psalm 42:8

A lyrical reminder of His everlasting presence.

"Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say 'Here I am.'" ~ Isaiah 58:9

I should tatoo this on my palm. Seriously -- I need to know this always. Isn't His goodness, gentleness, and steadfastness unbelievable? Who else can be so constant but our God?

"I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, 'Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.' Then my spirit made a diligent search: "Will the Lord spurn forever and never again be favorable? Has His steadfast love forever ceased? Are His promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has He in anger shut up His compassion?' Then I said, 'I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.' I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your wonders of old." ~ Psalm 77:5-11

I will remember the deeds of the Lord. I will remember when He transformed my relationship with my mother, as He continues to do daily. I will remember when He saved me from my unhealthy relationship with my ex-boyfriend...the saving was excruciatingly painful, but it was necessary and I am better for it. I will remember when He revealed to me my calling to midwifery, after years of not knowing who I was to become. I will remember now that He is faithful when I am faithless. That His mercies are new every morning. That nothing is impossible for God. That if the King of the Heavens is with me, who can be against me? That when my circumstances feel more unsure and wobbly than ever, it is His righteous right hand that upholds me. He makes me remember my song in the night.