God is in the Midst of Her...

Today I've just had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I have never received any attention from a Christian guy. Great, smart, fun, non-Christian boys come and go -- and they are usually wonderful and make me smile and make me feel pretty and want date them -- but they never love Jesus. Not once has a Jesus lovin' man paid me any romantic attention. And on days when I feel especially vulnerable, it just makes me wonder...what is wrong with me? Will I only ever be told that I am beautiful and sexy and hot? It's nice to hear those things for a while...but then I just feel so uncomfortable and so CHEAP! When do I get to hear that I am thoughtful and tender-hearted and passionate? When do I get to fall asleep at night knowing that boy thinks I am beautiful on the INSIDE?! Gosh...this message is probably coming off all wrong -- I really don't get "attention" from boys very much period, this is the first really intense episode in about 4 years! -- but when I do, it's always about my body and never about my mind. It's always about my face and never about my spirit. It's always about my charm and never about my heart. AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!! Not to toot my own horn, but I think I have been blessed with some pretty great inner qualities, and I just wish a intelligent, deep, playful, faithful incredible godly man would recognize that! Argh!

Can we just talk about for a second how much self-control I am exercising?  The boy next door is constantly -- every day -- begging me to hang out with him, talk to him, go on a date with him, snuggle with him (dot, dot, dot), and I have, for two weeks now, consistently said "NO" to all advances, all the while passion just burning inside me.  I think I need to disable my Facebook chat or something, because it is only a matter of time before I crack.  It's been 4 very long years since I've been in someone's arms.  And being in someone's arms is of course my very FAVORITE place to be!  Do I like the boy next door?  No, not in that way.  Am I completely in love with all the attention I'm getting?  Oh, you betcha.  Do I say "yes" inside every tell I tell him "no?"  It definitely happens.  My love language is physical touch.  I don't need quality time and acts of service all that much, but to have someone want to touch me...it's so irresistible.  I need accountability.  I fully understand that doing anything with the boy next door, even something seemingly innocent, would be really, really, REALLY stupid.  He's too young for me, he's incredibly immature, and **he doesn't love Jesus and I've been down this path before!**  It only ends in tears and pain and the consequences of sin.  But my flesh is so weak...Lord Jesus, keep me grounded.  Keep me pure in mind and deed.  Remind me, over and over, that I am a Child of God and deserve sooooo much better than this guy.  Help me believe that You are preparing a mate for me, somewhere, someday...a man out there who loves Jesus and loves me.  Please let it be so.  I hide my heart in You until my husband comes.  Protect me from myself, Lord.  Keep me close.

My heart is conflicted within me.  My next door neighbor likes me, or thinks I'm hot, or something.  I'm pretty sure he's just looking for a piece of ass.  And he's only 19...aka, too immature and totally not on the same life page as I am.  And he doesn't love Jesus.  3 really huge problems and deal-breakers.  (And he doesn't like baseball...what a freak).  But, despite the fact that he just wants some action and is not right for me at all...it still feels really good to get some attention from a boy.  It's just been such a long time.  I forgot what it was like.  It's been six years.  Someone noticing you...someone telling you how pretty your smile is...someone desiring you sexually...someone thinking about you when you're not there.  Why couldn't he be 25, and looking for a serious relationship, and seeking the Lord?  Is that so much to ask for?  :(

I'm not going to date him or fool around or do anything stupid like that.  I learned that lesson in high school, and I know how painful it is to recover from making such decisions.  But to be completely honest -- and this is awful -- I sort of want to keep leading him on because it just feels so good to be wanted.  I know that's so selfish and wrong, but that's where my heart is at the moment.  He is just so incredibly persistent...I shoot down every flirtatious comment he makes, and have been brutal to a fault, and yet, he always has more up his sleeve.  Damn it feels good. 

On the other side of the coin, he has been extremely manipulative in getting me to tell him things I would never normally say.  For example, he's such a conversational wizard on facebook chat, that he gets me to say that I think he's attractive.  Why would I say that?  I mean, yes, he's not bad to look at, but I'm not attracted TO him!  And he's so insanely good at using sarcastic insults that I get all flustered, apologize for things I shouldn't apologize for, and defend things about myself that are none of his business, like whether or not I am any good in bed!  So now he's all excited about me being a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets, when in reality I'm not having sex til my wedding night and my assessment of my sexual self is really just conjecture.  Geez, Halley, what were you thinking? 

I'm thinking that I'm a girl who desperately wants to be wanted.  A girl who plays tough and is seemingly strong, but will crumble if there's a boy around who thinks I'm beautiful.  A girl who will say and do really dumb things to make sure said boy continues to think she's everything he wants her to be.  A girl who gives in more than she intends to and needs to be really careful.  A girl who needs to fall in the arms of grace.  That's me.