God is in the Midst of Her...

I love when Gene Wilder says that in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory..."We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." He's so confident of the inherent good in dreaming. His eyes twinkle and he knows the magic of his reality -- the chocolate river, the flying glass elevator, the lickable wallpaper, the everlasting gobbstopper -- are the magic of dreams come true. His dreams are his life, and his dreams are vibrant and beautiful and good.

Sometimes I get discouraged about chasing my own dreams. Sometimes I feel foolish for wanting to be blissfully happy instead of moderately content. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting to follow my calling and feel ALIVE in my work, when I have a decent job that I don't love but more than pays the rent in this crumbling economy. Sometimes I feel bad about desiring to do what I love instead of pursuing what's practical.

But I think that's the devil talking. Yes, sometimes I am foolish, and certainly selfish. But when I remember who I am in Christ, and remember the King of the Universe made no mistakes in creating me, I remember that I too can have the twinkling eye of Willy Wonka. I am a music maker, and I am a dreamer of dreams. That's who I am, and that's what I do. I dream all the time about every kiss and every sweet nothing and every moment of belonging that I hope to someday share with my husband. I gleefully anticipate the day I will be pregnant and carry my babies and birth them into this world in fantastic power, strength, and love. (I really hope I make some 10-lb babies so I can be living proof that the female pelvis freaking works!) I want every single day to be a midwife even though I am blessed to be a nurse. I want to do whatever it takes -- quitting my job, moving home, losing money, losing respect -- to become the midwife I know without a doubt God crafted me to be. Just about the only thing I don't want to do is wait...and Lord help me if that is what You want from me.

I want to be alive. I want to stand up and do something. I don't want any more days to pass when women are manipulated, blindsighted, threatened, abused, invaded, and mutilated; when I wasn't doing everything in my power to stop it. I can't save everyone, but I can save this one...and this one...and this one...and it matters to them. I want to protect my sisters and friends and daughters. I want to be a servant for all womankind. I want justice. I want to make no money and be on-call 24/7 and pull my hair out going from one 72hr birth to another one. (It's gotta be a calling when you want to do crazy stuff like that!)

Grad school for $3,300 is incredibly practical. A Master's degree makes so much sense. And it's not that I don't desire continuing education, but it's not what I long for right now. I know I "should" do it now, like you should save for your retirement when you're 20 even though you won't see the fruit of it til you're 50. But I want to catch babies and be up to my elbows in placentas! I want to love, and sing, and breathe, and run! I am and will always be a dreamer of dreams!

As I lay outside atop our trampoline, with the birds singing to me and my skirt ruffling in the April breeze, the Cardinals victory still fresh and sweet, everything seems so simple. The Capitol and the hospital feel very far away. Thursday is my Saturday, and for another 24+ hours, nothing can steal my peace. I don't have to fret about any amendments getting tacked on to any bills, or what Senator so-and-so said about Rep so-and-so regarding issue such-and-such. There is no charting to be done, no meds to be passed, no assessments to be completed...I am not responsible for anyone's life right now except my own. My heartbeat is the only heartbeat I hear...S1, S2, clear, regular, steady.

I wish I could bottle up this tranquil afternoon and keep it forever. It's a sweet escape from the uncertainty and frustration that has accompanied me the past several weeks. About a month ago I received word that my application to Newlife International School of Midwifery was not accepted for admittance into the program. I was shell-shocked, numb, peaceful, crushed, peaceful again, and now lost, in that order. That was the plan! I was supposed to work at University -- and moonlight as a lobbyist -- until September, when I was going to move to Davao City, Philippines to begin the rest of my life as a midwife. God spoke "Newlife, Newlife, Newlife" into my heart for TWO YEARS...TWO YEARS! So I finally listened (it takes me a while sometimes) and applied! I POURED over my application for months, making it as perfect as I could. I didn't renew my cell phone contract. I came to terms with the fact that I was going to miss weddings and Christmases, and silly as it sounds, that I wouldn't get a haircut for over a year. I took a job in Columbia because it was pointless to move somewhere else for 8 months just to pack up and leave the country. I WAS READY TO GO!!!! Yes, I was scared sh*&less, but I was willing! Here I am Lord, send me!!! I was going to uproot my entire life and move to a 3rd world country to catch babies and tell people about Jesus!!! Since when does God tell would-be missionaries to stay home?!How is that not the right plan for me???

But it's not. I don't know why. I wish I did. But I got the email saying I'm on the waiting list and to try again next year. I have to make alternative plans now. I wish I could say I'm not at all resentful of the Lord, but I am...(Lord, it hurts. It sucks. I hate it. I know, and I believe, You work all things for the GOOD of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose...but I don't understand how that is so this time. I know it is not my job to know. I know I know all I need to know right now. Help me trust You like I profess to trust You. Remake me once more and gracefully give me peace)...So I'm not going to the Phiippines. The Lord has a plan bigger for me than the one I made for myself, the one I thought was His plan for me. Seeing as He desires for me to do His will elsewhere, I am grateful He caused my application to be rejected, rather than calling on me to turn down an invitation into the program on my own strength. So what is next? Good question.

A few days ago I signed my lease for next year, to stay here in Columbia for the next academic year, until August 2010. Do I want to stay in Columbia? No, not exactly. Do I want to get out of Columbia? No, not exactly. I just want something different. Do I hate my job? No. Do I hate lobbying? No. Does either bring me great joy and make me feel alive? No...no. Does journeying with women from maidenhood to motherhood bring my great joy and make me feel alive? YES! That is what I want to do! I know what I want to be when I grow up! Awesome! Is there a way to do it right now? Maybe, maybe not. One of the great practical perks of the school in the Philippines was that there were no living expenses..."just" tuition, books, and a couple flights around the world. I've been saving 80-90% of my paychecks, each one going into my midwifery savings fund. I was hoping to raise support for the rest, and count on God to bring in the money for the school I thought He had called me to. So now instead...there are U.S. schools, yes. But I would have to pay rent and utilities and gas money and food in Florida, or Washington, or California, or Maine. On top of tuition and books. And I wouldn't be able to work while in school, because such is the life of a midwife: you are on-call 24/7 because babies come into the world whenever they feel like it! So, more expenses an no way to pay them. I'm still saving nearly all of every paycheck I get, but it will take significantly more savings to go to midwifery school in the U.S. I know God is bigger than money, and He will make it fall from the sky for me if it is His will, but my puny human understanding of His power is, well, puny.

Apprenticeship is certainly an option, and an option I'd love to grab on to! The problem is, we have a midwife shortage...which means we have an apprenticeships shortage. My dear friend may possibly be able to take me on as an apprentice this fall (which would be amazing!!!), but she lives 3 hours away from me...I haven't ruled it out but the distance does create a bit of a head-scratcher. Just as I could not work (a typical job as a nurse) during midwifery school, I could not work during an apprenticeship either...and Ameren and the City of Columbia and my landlords will still want money from me in exchange for electricity, and heat and water, and the roof over my head. I could move back to St. Louis and live with my parents (and then they instead of me, in their incredible love and sweetness, would pay for the roof over my head!), but there don't seem to be any apprenticeships available in the STL area. Maybe I just have to wait for Mr. Right to come along so he can bring home the bacon! (Mr. Right, if you're out there reading this, I would appreciate you presenting yourself sooner rather than later).

So, in the meantime, if, as I am starting to come to terms with, I cannot pursue becoming a midwife in the very near future, I must do something else. Starting in July, Mizzou will pay 75% of any Masters program I may want to pursue, so long as I continue to work for them full-time. It is an accessory dream of mine to get my Masters in Public Health. Mizzou has a very new MPH program...but I hear lots of good things about it. Tomorrow morning I have an appt in the Nursing School about the Nurse Practitioner program...do I want to be a NP? I don't think so...but maybe I could be persauded? (I am going to stare at this poor lady tomorrow morning...I don't even know what to ask). It just seems so silly, I *KNOW* exactly what I WANT to do, but life is preventing me from doing it! Will I keep working on 5West, doing the Med-Surg thing? Will I transfer into a OB position? Will I go back to the Capitol next January? Will I have to keep working weekends and forego having a social life? Will I take on the PR Board position for the birth center? Will something take me away from Columbia?

So many possibilities and so many unknowns! I cannot pretend I am not defeated about feeling that the one thing I REALLY want to do is an arm's length (or, on some days, lightyears) away from me. But His plan for my life is for my highest GOOD. And it is for His glory. I have to believe that. My life is bigger than just me. He is at work, and He will not stop halfway. The tranquility will return, despite the passing of this April afternoon. Jesus, make me an instrument for Your peace. And make me at peace with the instrument you fashion me into.

I recently finished reading Danielle Crittenden's 1999 book, "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us." I couldn't put it down. It was irreverent, absolutely, and compelling without a doubt. I love it when authors are not afraid to speak their mind without worry (or in spite of worry) of cultural backlash. The premise of Crittenden's book is something that has long intrigued me, and to a certain extent, also offended me: feminism has failed women. In her introduction, Crittenden put it this way (paraphrased)...In 1970, the problem was that society recognized women were women, but failed to recognize they were also human. Today, the problem is while we recognize women are human, we have forgotten women are women...she goes on to devote chapters to sex, love, marriage, motherhood, aging, and politics; making a convincing case that not only is it OK to desire to be a wife and mother (and not only an independent career woman), but it is an innate and beautiful part of being female.

I have always longed to be a wife and mother myself; no dream is dearer to my heart. At various points in my life, I have also dreamed of being a singer, a doctor, an author, a journalist, an attorney, a nurse, a policy maker, and a midwife. And those dreams are also beautiful and meaningful and important. Today I am a nurse, and I am going to be a midwife too. But I have always felt a certain degree of shame that what I really, REALLY wanted -- to marry the man of my dreams and make babies with him -- was inferior and silly and June Cleaver-ish of me. Thus, reading Crittenden's book was so liberating and paradigm-shifting for me! No longer must I feel it is wrong or backwards to hope for what my heart wants most.

Read the book; I very highly recommend it. It is challenging and brave. You may love it or hate it, but I can promise you it will make you think.

http://www.amazon.com/WHAT-OUR-MOTHERS-DIDNT-TELL/dp/0684859599/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240527894&sr=8-1#

Gloria Lemay, fabulous childbirth activist and healthy living extraordinaire, has a delightfully irreverent blog I enjoy reading: http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/

I noticed today that according to Gloria, VBAC (generally "Vaginal Birth After Cesarean") stands for "Very Beautiful And Courageous." How awesome is that? I have several good friends (and know of *so* many others) who have not been able to have vaginal births. In some situations, the cesareans were necessary (or became necessary based on mismanagement of care), but for too many mothers and babies, normal birth was denied based on convenience, impatience, or the power disparity between patient and provider. And no one bothers to educate women regarding the vast physiological and emotional importance of birth as God designed it. There is no consciousness among women today that tells them that cesarean section is as much like giving birth as artificial insemination is like making a baby. Sometimes it is necessary, yes, of course, it saves lives and will continue to do so. But when used inappropriately, it kills and it maims too, if not the body, than the spirit. God meant for childbirth to be Very Beautiful And Courageous. It is a tragedy that it is so often not for so many women. But how wonderful that there is restoration to be found. That even if a woman's first or second birth is not Very Beautiful And Courageous, she can have a VBAC. We must fight to make sure she will always be able to.

You know what else is Very Beautiful And Courageous? My friend Steff talking about midwives at the Iowa White House Forum on Health Reform! http://www.thebigpushformidwives.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/whatsnew.main/index.htm

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." (Rom 11:29-30 NKJV)

http://midwiferytoday.com/articles/the_call.asp

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call - one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." (Eph 4:1-6)